Steven A. Jent
Author
Keats and Chapman
A Guide for the Perplexed
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There are no official rules for making up this sort of story. But I have
given myself some parameters to work within. First, no spoonerisms:
Nothing like "People who live in glass houses shouldn't stow thrones."
Only a few of the stories from "Cruiskeen Lawn" ended with mere
spoonerisms. Instead the substitute words should sound as much as possible
like the original. It's somewhat like constructing a rebus, but the
elements are phonetic syllables instead of pictures that suggest
syllables.
I prefer to substitute voiced for voiceless consonants or vice versa.
For instance, s is voiceless and z is its voiced counterpart.
(Put your finger to your voicebox and say "sue" and "zoo". You'll feel your
vocal chords vibrating when you pronounce the z.) Hence the
replacement of "blaze" with "plaice". Switches of this sort feel less
artificial than some others, which hopefully makes them more amusing.
My favorite punchlines are those in which the original could be put back
in place and the sentence would still make sense in the context of the story.
When Keats says, "There but for the crates of cod", he could just as logically
say "There but for the grace of God". It just wouldn't be funny.
Another variation, not easy to pull off, is the use of the same words as
the original but with a completely different meaning. "A broken record" can
be either a scratched LP that keeps repeating, or an athletic best that has
just been beaten.
I used Google to be sure I wasn't duplicating someone else's punch line.
I had to discard some of my favorite ideas when I found they were already
in use. There is a cookbook entitled Penne For Your Thoughts and
a website that warns "As ye sew, so shall ye rip". "They also surf who only
stand and wade" is taken, as are "Likable in a china shop" and "Stop and
smell thyrosis".
On the other hand, sometimes I got hits in Google and then found that in
every instance the person had used the phrase by mistake, not intending it
as a pun. A surprising number of people write "pales in caparison", unaware
that a caparison is a colorful ceremonial garment and that the word
they really want is comparison. And I wonder what metaphor people
have in mind when they say "I'm at the end of my robe" when they're
desperate and out of ideas, or "on a short leech" to indicate that
someone is tightly controlled.
"Mind their p's and q's."
"Give Peace a Chance."
"It's meat and drink to me."
"This cruel fate."
"I Only Have Eyes For You"
A song from Dames, by Harry Warren and Al Dubin
"This too shall pass."
"There's no such thing as a free lunch."
"Fools rush in where Angels fear to tread."
Alexander Pope, "An Essay on Criticism"
"The Last Time I Saw Paris"
A song from Lady Be Good, by Jerome Kern and Oscar Hammerstein II
"A fly in the ointment."
"To fall on one's sword."
A sward is a broad grassy area.
"Thousands at his bidding speed
And post o'er land and ocean without rest:
They also serve who only stand and wait."
John Milton, Sonnet 19: "On His Blindness"
"The stuff that dreams are made of."
Sam Spade in The Maltese Falcon
A paraphrase of William Shakespeare, The Tempest:
"We are such stuff as dreams are made on."
"To knock [someone] down a peg or two."
"The darkest hour is just before the dawn."
"One step forwards and two steps back."
"The die has been cast."
Iacta alea est: Julius Caesar, as he crossed the Rubicon River into Italy with his army
"The Last Rose of Summer"
A poem by Thomas Moore, set to music by Sir John Stevenson
"The shoe is on the other foot."
"Was this the face that launched a thousand ships,
And burnt the topless towers of Ilium?"
Christopher Marlowe, The Tragical History of Doctor Faustus
"No quarter asked or given."
"No man is an island."
John Donne, "Meditation XVII"
"Resting on his laurels."
"Practice makes perfect."
"A picture is worth a thousand words."
"A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush."
"With a ten-foot pole."
"Can the leopard change his spots?"
Jeremiah 13:23
"Put the cart before the horse."
"Is this a dagger which I see before me?"
William Shakespeare, Macbeth
"Innocent until proven guilty."
"Opening a can of worms."
"By the sweat of your brow."
Genesis 3:19
"Flash in the pan."
Originally a reference to a flintlock that misfired
"Deeds of derring-do."
Sir Walter Scott, Ivanhoe
"Give the Devil his due."
William Shakespeare, Henry IV Part 1
"I have nothing to declare but my genius."
Oscar Wilde, passing U.S. customs
"The grass is always greener on the other side."
"One bad apple will spoil the bunch."
Emperor Nero supposedly "fiddled while Rome burned."
"On a wing and a prayer."
"Caters to your every need."
"The once and future king."
Rex quondam rexque futurus: Inscription on the tomb of King Arthur
"Caught between a rock and a hard place."
"There ought to be a law against that sort of thing."
"You have been weighed in the balance and found wanting."
Daniel 5:27
"Absence makes the heart grow fonder."
Thomas Haynes Bayly, "Isle of Beauty"
"Bitten off more than you can chew."
"When You Wish Upon a Star"
A song from Disney's Pinocchio, written by Leigh Harline and Ned Washington
"Plain as the nose on your face."
"A sound mind in a sound body."
Juvenal, Satire X
"What God has joined together let no man put asunder."
Mathew 19:6
"A miss is as good as a mile."
"No, it's just you."
"A chip on his shoulder."
"Head over heels."
"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet."
William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet
"A thing of beauty is a joy forever."
John Keats, Endymion
"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."
"Nice guys finish last."
Often attributed to Leo Durocher
"Spare the rod, spoil the child."
Common paraphrase of Proverbs 23:13–14
"Where there's smoke, there's fire."
"Living high on the hog."
"More fish in the sea."
The see of a cathedral is the area of its jurisdiction.
"Looking for greener pastures."
"Got off on the wrong foot."
Iambus and anapest are examples of poetic feet.
"If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because
he hears a different drummer."
Henry David Thoreau, Walden
A traveling salesman is also known as a drummer.
"You can't have your cake and eat it too."
"The best-laid schemes o' mice an' men gang aft agley [often go awry]."
Robert Burns, "To A Mouse On Turning Her Up Her Nest With The Plough"
"Back to square one."
"Bet dollars to donuts."
"That's why the lady is a tramp."
Song lyrics from Babes in Arms, by Rodgers and Hart
"The error of his ways."
James 5:20
"Rome wasn't built in a day."
"Cowards die many times before their deaths."
William Shakespeare, Julius Caesar
"Jockeying for position."
"Scrape the bottom of the barrel."
Emerald, aquamarine, and heliodor are all forms of beryl.
"The squeaky wheel gets the grease."
"Not the time or the place."
"Working around the clock."
"A fate worse than death."
"To the victor go the spoils."
Senator William L. Marcy, in defense of what became known as the "spoils
system" in US politics
"Cost an arm and a leg."
"Good things come to those who wait."
"Turned over a new leaf."
The post that supports the end of a banister is a newel.
"Take the wind out of their sails."
"Same old song and dance."
"The pen is mightier than the sword."
Edward Bulwer-Lytton, Richelieu
"Our place in the sun."
A phrase from German international policy in the early 20th century, which
expressed their determination to build a colonial empire like other European
powers
"Painted yourself into a corner."
"As mad as a March hare."
"Stick up for the little guy."
"Two wrongs don't make a right."
"She keeps him on a short leash."
"Like a bolt out of the Blue."
Thomas Carlyle, The French Revolution
"Keep your eye on the ball."
Love Is a Many-Splendored Thing
Title of a 1955 movie, and the theme song by Paul Francis Webster and
Sammy Fain
"He who hesitates is lost."
"Slow and steady wins the race."
Aesop, fable of the tortoise and the hare
"Going out in a blaze of glory."
Plaice is a fish similar to flounder or sole.
You Can't Go Home Again
Title of a novel by Thomas Wolfe
I was tempted to say "Kant go Hume", but thank God I came to my senses.
"Like a broken record."
"The land of milk and honey."
Ezekiel 20:6
"All in a day's work."
"A frog in his throat."
"Looking for a needle in a haystack."
"At the end of my rope."
"Out of the frying pan and into the fire."
"The simple solution is the best."
"Fortune favors the bold."
Terence, Phormio
"Out of sight, out of mind."
"Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more;
Or close the wall up with our English dead."
William Shakespeare, Henry V
"The bloom is off the rose."
Cliché for something that has aged or lost its charm.
"Any friend of yours is a friend of mine."
"Easier than shooting fish in a barrel."
"Life Is Just a Bowl of Cherries"
A song from 1931 by Lew Brown and Ray Henderson, which made light of the
Great Depression.
"No ifs, ands, or buts."
"Loose cannon."
A dangerously unpredictable person, analogous to a cannon broken free
and rolling out of control on the deck of an old sailing warship.
"A chip off the old block."
"Four score and seven years ago."
Abraham Lincoln, "Gettysburg Address"
"A house divided against itself cannot stand."
Abraham Lincoln, paraphrasing Matthew 12:25.
"Now is the winter of our discontent
Made glorious summer by this son of York."
William Shakespeare, Richard III
"The marriage of two minds."
A common misquote from one of Shakespeare's sonnets:
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments.
"Give her a wide berth."
This nautical expression, which now means to keep well clear of someone
or something, derives from the sense of berth that means a ship's
mooring place; you want to give an anchored vessel a wide berth so that
with changes in tide or wind she doesn't swing around and collide with
you.
"Lock, stock, and barrel"
The three main components of a muzzle-loading firearm. Hence leaving
nothing out.
"In for a penny, in for a pound."
Pound as in British currency. Once you've started, you may as well go
all the way.
"On the road to Mandalay,
Where the flyin' fishes play,
An' the dawn comes up like thunder outer China 'crost the bay!"
Rudyard Kipling, "Mandalay"
This is probably the most contrived gag in the whole collection.
"His bark is worse than his bite."
"Get your ducks in a row."
"Faint heart never won fair maiden."
Miguel Cervantes, Don Quixote
"Get back on the horse that threw you."
"Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven."
John Milton, Paradise Lost
"Back to the drawing board."
"Caught with his pants down."
"Pales in comparison."
See above for the meaning of caparison.
"Brother, Can You Spare a Dime?"
Song about the Great Depression, written in 1931 by E.Y. "Yip" Harburg
and Jay Gorney
"Beware the Ides of March."
William Shakespeare, Julius Caesar
"Man doesn't live by bread alone."
Common paraphrase of Matthew 4:4
"Don we now our gay apparel."
Long Day's Journey Into Night
Title of a play written in 1956 by Eugene O'Neill, for which he
received a posthumous Pulitzer Prize.
"Many are called, but few are chosen."
Matthew 22:14
"Bringing coals to Newcastle."
Proverbial for doing something redundantly pointless, Newcastle being
a coal-mining center.
"There but for the grace of God go I."
John Bradford, seeing some prisoners being led to their execution
"There is no peace for the wicked."
Isaiah 48:22
"A penny saved is a penny earned."
"A friend in need is a friend in deed."
"Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night."
Title of a poem by Dylan Thomas
"Time waits for no man."
"A rolling stone gathers no moss."
"O tempora! O mores!"
Latin for "O what times! O what customs!": Cicero lamenting the degeneracy of the
once-great Roman Republic
"The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."
Matthew 26:41
"Lord, what fools these mortals be."
William Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night's Dream
"Thy will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven."
Matthew 6:10
"Memento mori."
Latin for "Remember you must die." |
Copyright ©
2011 Steven A. Jent